


In My Roots, In My Veins

by Obsessivecompulsivereadr



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M, References to Abuse, References to Homophobia, Therapy related, Trauma, Unhappy Ending, post relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 01:17:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18906562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsessivecompulsivereadr/pseuds/Obsessivecompulsivereadr
Summary: He looked down at Maria’s hand, laced with Michael’s on the table.  It was fitting that Michael’s hand was healed now.  At least he wouldn’t have to live the rest of his life with that constant reminder of Jesse Manes and all he’d destroyed.





	In My Roots, In My Veins

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is really self-indulgent. I rewatched some scenes for like the third or fourth time and found some things that needed expansion. Also, I have been feeling the need for Alex to get some things off his chest. Is it OOC for him to do it in the middle of the Crashdown, no, I don't think so. Some of the best parts of his development have occurred in "public" areas.
> 
> Also, for obvious tag-searching reasons, the Maria/Michael relationship isn't tagged. I won't be changing that because that tag should be for their ship fics.

Alex was striding towards the entrance to the Crashdown Café when he was nearly bowled over by an overly excited Liz Ortecho.  He was lucky he had learned how to compensate for extra weight being slammed against him over the years, one of the only useful things his father had ever accidentally taught him, or he might have taken an awkward and painful dive onto the concrete outside her father’s restaurant.

“What is wrong with you?” Alex balanced her, laughing at the flustered look on her face.

“Nothing,” Liz said breathlessly as she shrugged her shoulders, releasing his slight hold on her.  “Just thought I’d… _greet you at the door_.”

Alex raised an eyebrow.  “Right, because that makes the most sense out of any of the choices you just ran through your head?”

Liz sighed.  “They’re inside.”

Alex glanced through the window and saw the specific _they_ she was talking about, sitting in a booth near the corner.  Michael’s back was to the window, and while she was facing it, Maria didn’t seem to have caught sight of Alex yet. 

He looked back at Liz and pulled her into a reassuring hug, but the antennae on her head, part of her waitressing uniform for the diner, made that a little bit awkward.  “Thank you.  But I’m not made of glass.  I can handle running into them in public.”

He pulled back, and Liz looked doubtful. 

“Seriously.  It’s fine,” he told her as he turned to walk through the door. 

Liz returned to the table she must have been serving before she’d bolted out to intercede, while Alex found a place to sit on the other side of the restaurant.   He had agreed to meet Kyle for lunch because Kyle had been nagging him about getting out of the cabin.  Then when Alex had gotten out of the cabin and back into the bunker to research, Kyle had nagged him about that too, complaining that the change of location Alex had made wasn’t what he’d had in mind.  It was difficult having a doctor as a friend, because that person knew way too much about you and used it against you to win arguments. 

She brought him a drink, but he declined to order and told her Kyle was on his way.  She glanced back and forth between the booth and his table, and Alex placed a hand on hers. 

“Liz.  What in the world do you think I’m going to _do_?” 

“It’s not _you_ I’m worried about,” Liz said softly.  She turned his hand in his and squeezed lightly, then she went to wait on another table.  The restaurant was crowded, and apparently short-staffed, which was usually why Liz ended up working.

He thought about her words… _It’s not you I’m worried about_.  He doubted that she’d meant anything negative by them, because she was obviously worried about a fight starting in her father’s restaurant, but it wouldn’t be the first time that he was that last person anyone _worried about_.  If the people he cared about worried as much about him, he would be at a much different place in his life.

Alex glanced over to the booth.  Michael and Maria were gesturing and speaking in hushed whispers.  She glanced over at Alex but then turned back to Michael.

Alex huffed out a laugh.  They couldn’t be more obvious if they tried, but if they thought for one moment that Alex was going to make life easy for them by staying out of their sight to assuage whatever guilt they might feel, they could think again.  He’d been through three tours of duty and survived having his leg blown off.  Nothing either one of them could say would send him running. 

Kyle waved as he came in and seated himself at Alex’s table.  They ordered quickly, Liz still just as uncomfortable as she’d been when he’d arrived.

Kyle looked up at her with his usual confused puppy expression, and Alex smirked at the sight of him.  Then Kyle turned that expression on Alex, who just rolled his eyes in the direction of the booth, and Kyle caught on to what was bothering Liz.

“So, I’m sensing some tension in the room, but why is _Liz_ freaked out?”

“I don’t know.  She wouldn’t tell me,” Alex answered.  “But _some people_ seem to be under the impression that I break easily.” 

Kyle snorted.  “They really don’t know you very well then.”

Alex, firmly against lying to himself, would admit that he’d had a few bad nights since Michael had made his decision.  But then just like he’d always done, he'd dusted himself off and turned to the side of him that had been in control in the Air Force.  The side that pushed emotions out and let logic lead.  The part of him that wasn’t nice anymore.

Michael had seen a lot of that side, even though Alex had never wanted him to, so it’s not like it would be out of character of him.  Or of them. 

“How is my father?” Alex asked, to change the subject to some place where he could channel his anger. 

“Well, we’re going to have to consider waking him up soon.  Or finding a way to transfer him out.  Some people have been asking about him.  Not nicely,” Kyle frowned. 

“Well although he was acting outside of the scope of his duty, he is an officer and was seemingly on a mission for the government, and they don’t stop until they get answers.  After I got to a point in my treatment where I was stable, I had to give an accounting of the incident that led to this,” Alex tapped his right thigh lightly.  “Everyone in my unit had to go over every single moment, every single decision we’d made, to figure out where we’d gone wrong so that it could be used to train future teams.”  

And to assess blame if need be.  The government was not ever as effective as when it was settling on who to blame when something went wrong. 

“They didn’t find anything wrong?”

“Not with my unit.  Higher-ups maybe, but we weren’t privy to that information,” Alex shrugged. 

Clearance was clearance.  If you didn’t have it, and you didn’t have to skills to work around it, like Alex did, then you were left in the dark.

“And you got another medal out of it,” Kyle said softly.

“I would _rather_ have my leg,” Alex returned. 

He cursed himself for being so blunt about it when Kyle’s face fell. 

“Look, I’m sorry.  I’ve never been the best at communicating, and it really shows when I’m not in the middle of a mission,” Alex apologized.

“No, it’s okay.  I shouldn’t have brought it up.  You’ve never been the kind of person who liked accolades, and with what you’ve told me about your dad, I can’t imagine that he was a pleasant experience for you when you got back.”

“ _That_ is an understatement,” Alex agreed. 

He smiled up at Liz as their food arrived, and he glanced, out of habit mostly, over in Michael’s direction.  It seemed like no matter what room they were in, Alex always felt a need to find him.  Even if finding him hurt. 

Alex shook his head and began eating.  It seemed like nothing in his life was ever going to stop hurting.  But then again, Michael probably felt the same way, especially since Caulfield.

They worked out a plan as they ate, to address his father’s coma and the possibility of transferring him out to another hospital, one far away from Roswell.  Kyle brought up Caulfield and the information they’d stolen, mostly out of a need to talk about his father, and Alex gave him the time to process it. 

Alex wondered how Kyle did it sometimes.  How he managed to look at Alex and not see Jesse Manes, when that was all Alex saw of himself when he looked in the mirror.  It was still bothering him that Mimi had seen it in his aura, and normally he wouldn’t place much emphasis on that, but his years of experience in dealing with both Mimi and Maria had taught him that there were things in the world that couldn’t be explained by medicine, or science, or code.

Kyle didn’t look at him like he blamed him, but Alex blamed himself.  

The Manes legacy had killed both Kyle’s dad and Michael’s mom. 

Alex didn’t know how either of them could stomach looking at him, and most of the time, he figured that was the reason Michael stayed away.  Why he’d given up on Alex.    

Alex probably wouldn’t ever know for sure, and that might be the part that hurt the most. 

Michael was going through some shit right now, and Alex could understand that.  Michael has suffered losing his mom and believing that he’d permanently lost Max.  He also had decades of trauma to work though. 

Alex just wished that he wasn’t working through it with one of Alex’s best friends. 

But he knew he didn’t have to right to question Michael about it, not now, not after all the years of walking away from him to stop feeling the constant nagging fear that the closer he got to Michael, the more likely Jesse Manes would punish them for it.

Michael’s punishment hadn’t seemed to stop at his hand, just like Alex’s punishment hadn’t stopped at being forced to enlist.  No, Jesse Manes had to have everything his way, and if that meant destroying the one son he was ashamed of, that he hated with every fiber of his homophobic being, and the one person who’d always made that son feel loved, then he would do it without hesitation.

And if it ever served his father’s needs, Alex would be _dead_ in a second.  He had no doubts.

It’s one of the reasons why he felt _nothing_ at the thought of his father being in a coma, not anger… not satisfaction… just nothing.  And on some nights, he’d thought about ways to make that sleep permanent without a single guilty feeling traipsing around in his psyche.

What stopped him was the question of whether giving in to it would make him exactly like his father.

He pulled himself out of his thoughts to focus on what Kyle was saying about how Max was doing since his resurrection.  Alex nodded along, happy that Max was okay, but Max was unfortunately on the periphery of everything Alex had going on right now.   He was glad for Liz's sake that Max was alive, and he was glad for Isobel and Michael because he knew they’d felt as if they only had each other for years, and losing Max like that couldn’t have been easy.  

Alex had never had that kind of sibling relationship, and he never would.  Flint had been the one brother that hadn't treated him like shit when he was a kid, but he’d also been just another person who hadn’t intervened to help him later.  Alex, in his more charitable moments, could admit that a young Flint hadn’t had enough power to do anything about their dad, but in his less charitable ones, he reminded himself that Flint had also been willing to kill Alex in the name of the Manes legacy. 

He’d never had anyone, other than Michael, who would have thrown aside anything to help him, to save him, to keep him safe. 

And he didn’t even have Michael anymore, so sometimes Alex felt like it was literally him against the world.  It wasn’t a great feeling, and it was part of the reason he was willing to repair the relationship with Kyle. 

Liz returned while they were talking and bent over the table, hands flat on the laminate table, to loudly whisper, “They’re coming.”

Alex burst out laughing at the adorably ominous warning, and Kyle hid behind the leftover menu to cover his own amusement, obviously trying to stay on her good side. 

Liz glared at them both.  “Fine.  If you two get thrown out of here by my father, then don’t come crying to me about it.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Alex grinned, and Kyle nodded along with him. 

Alex watched Michael and Maria stand, Michael throwing money on the table to cover their bill, and then they headed towards Alex. 

It was unusual, because Michael almost always avoided Alex in public.  The few times that Michael had sought him out since his return from the Middle East had been in private settings.  He was never sure if Michael did it because he thought Alex needed it or if he had his own reasons.

“Yes?” Alex asked as they approached.

“Can we talk to you?”  Maria gestured toward the open chairs at their table, and Alex nodded an agreement. 

They settled in, Michael next to him and Maria on his other side.  They kept a distance from each other, but Maria had her hand on Michael’s right arm.  He couldn’t tell whose idea this was just by their nervousness, but Michael was nearly shaking beside him. 

Michael nodded at Kyle, who hadn’t moved.  “Alone, please?”

“No,” Alex replied mildly.  “He was invited, so he stays.” 

“Alex,” Maria said softly.  “This is important.”

Alex looked her in the eye for a few moments, giving her a chance to absorb just how serious he was, “He stays.”

Kyle coughed but covered it with a drink of his soda. 

“Fine,” Michael glared at Kyle.  “Valenti stays then.” 

Alex leaned back in his seat and gestured toward the pair.  “What do you want to talk about?”

Michael ducked his head and glanced around the café, “This.”

Alex raised an eyebrow.  “This.” 

“What he means is can we have a civil conversation about this and how to handle it?” Maria interjected.

Kyle leaned forward, “Do you really think that here and now is the best time to address _this_?” 

Alex waved away Kyle’s defense and looked at Michael, “So _this_ is what you want to talk about?”

Michael nodded, but there was a sadness in his eyes. 

“I’d rather talk about the last time I spoke to you, Guerin, since you seem to want to do this in front of people,” Alex leaned forward and crossed his arms.  “I poured _my heart_ out to you in the only way I know how.  I finally took care of what I needed to handle, so I could be with you without any more obstacles, and I came to tell you.  Of course, it was the night Max was in trouble, so I understand that you couldn’t stay to listen to everything I had to say.  But I came to you, with the decision that _you_ kept telling me that you wanted to hear, but you left.” 

Maria drew in a sharp breath, looking shocked at the information, but Alex wasn’t surprised because Michael Guerin was nothing if not someone who held his cards close to his chest.  He doubted Michael had told her anything about his relationship with Alex.

Michael said his name softly. 

Alex sat back again, picked up his drink and sipped, pointing at a finger at Michael.  “ _You_ told me to come back the next day for that talk because I came at a bad time.  I respected that, but now?  _Now_ you want to talk?” 

“Guerin, this really isn’t a good idea,” Kyle added.

Michael pointed at him, “You aren’t part of this, and you definitely don’t get to tell me what is and isn’t a good idea after the shit you put him through in high school.”

Alex huffed in disbelief, “Wow.  I really don’t think either of you have any right to be lecturing him about anything.  Because instead of having that talk with me, the one _you_ asked for, you left me waiting at your place for hours while you did _this_ ,” he gestured between the two of them.

“Alex, that’s not fair,” Maria said quietly, but she looked away from him.

“What’s not fair about it?  Telling the truth?” Alex returned.  “Have _you_ had any conversations with Michael about how the hookup in Texas supposedly meant nothing to you and that it would never happen again?”

Michael’s head jerked in Maria’s direction. 

“Michael, it’s not like that,” Maria nervously gripped his arm.  “Yes, we did talk about it, Alex.”

“Is that so?  I am in love with _him_ ,” Alex glanced at Michael, whose eyes were wide with surprise.   “And you knew it because _I_ _told you_.  Did you suddenly decide that _our_ friendship meant absolutely nothing?  Because if that was the reason, then you should at least admit it.  And if that was the reason, then that must not say much about us.”

“I’m sorry, Alex.  But you can’t help who you fall for.  You know that.”

“Yeah, I do.  But I also know that if Liz had been in my position, you would have _never_ gotten involved with someone she loved, past or present tense.  You just wouldn’t have.  But on the small chance that I’m wrong about that, and you had followed through with a relationship with Max or Kyle, I would have called you out on it, just like I called her out for being a shitty friend to _you_ when you needed her.  Because _I_ am no longer _nice_.  If you two want this, great.  Congratulations.  You have every right to be happy together.  But what you did was shitty, Maria.  If I can call out Liz for being a shitty friend to you, then I would have thought that of the three of us, you, me and Liz…that at least one of you would have had enough respect for my feelings to at least tell me.”

“This isn’t about _you_ , Alex,” Michael shot back.  “Not everything is about you.”

“I know that, Michael,” Alex snapped.  “Not everything is about Alex Manes and his _precious feelings_.  Do you honestly think I haven’t had that drilled into my head with vicious words and fists every day since before I ever even knew I was gay?  I know everything isn’t about _my feelings_.  I have had to push down and ignore my feelings my entire life because if I let a single one of them out, I was _punished for it_.” 

“I didn’t mean…” Michael started to speak.

Alex stood, took out his wallet and tossed some cash in Kyle’s direction.  Kyle scooped it up and headed to the counter to pay.

“I don’t care what you meant by it.  Ever since what happened in the tool shed, I have spent my life blaming myself for it because I let myself have a _little bit_ of happiness, and the worst thing that could have ever happened… _happened_.”

He stopped himself next to Michael’s chair, and breathed in deeply.

He knew fear wasn’t rational.  He could take it apart in therapy, dissociate from it, and he could discuss his problems as not being inherent _in him_ but as a part of him that he can isolate and objectively deal with.  _Unless it was about Jesse Manes_.  His war.  He sometimes found it funny that a lot of the skills he learned in the military mesh well with what he’s learned in therapy.  They break you and put you back together using the same tools, just for a different purpose.

Alex lowered his voice, “So I’ll tell you what I wanted you to hear; what I was going to tell you that night and never got the chance…. I’ve never felt like I deserved _you_.” 

Micheal’s body moved with a sharply indrawn breath, but Alex kept his eyes on the curls of his hair.  Alex couldn’t look where he wanted to… into Michael’s eyes… because Michael had already _looked away_. 

“I’ve been told my entire life that I’m worth _nothing_.  You think you have the monopoly on people throwing that up in your face, Guerin, but you really don’t.  It’s especially meaningful when Jesse Manes does it, because he always liked to really _emphasize_ his words.”

Michael stood and turned to him, “Alex…”

“Guerin, I ran away because I was _afraid,_ and it took me a long time to stop feeling like I have to apologize for being afraid.  There are days I’m still afraid, because I don’t know how _not to be_.  I’ve never been allowed to try and be comfortable with myself, because comfortable meant safe, and ‘ _if you’re comfortable, it means you haven’t_ _learned your lesson well enough, Alexander,_ ’” Alex mimicked his father’s well-rehearsed, post-beating, speech. 

Michael had tears in his eyes. 

“Do you remember when I came back?  What one of the first things you said to me was?”

Michael gave a gentle shake of his head, but even if Michael didn’t remember them, Alex would never be able to forget. 

“You told me to _run home to Daddy_. I might have hurt you by leaving, but I didn’t deserve _that_.”

Michael turned his head and stared out the window of the café. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t stop being afraid when _you_ decided I should.  But you _of all people_ know what my father is like.  He never stops.  Nothing he takes away is _ever_ enough for him.  When Jesse Manes has decided you’re dispensable, then no amount of _pain_ you could ever go through is _enough_.”

Alex placed a hand on Michael’s arm, “What I want doesn’t matter, remember?”

“Yeah, I remember,” Michael said softly.

“The only good memories I have from my life are all wrapped up in _you_ , and in Maria and Liz.  Now I don’t even get to keep that anymore.  Maybe what I’m going through right now doesn’t come close to what you’ve been suffering since Caulfield, but that doesn’t mean I’m _dispensable_.  And you two choosing each other… the way you did it… that’s the first time since I fell in love with you that you’ve ever made me feel… dispensable.”

Michael’s chest heaved as he sat down in the chair. 

“If I have ever made you feel that way by not going public with us, then I’m sorry.  But I’m not going to apologize for being afraid.  I couldn’t be with you the way you wanted because my father would have taken everything from us.  And in the end, he still managed to win, and I don’t know what I could even begin to do to make up for that.” 

“That’s not your job,” Michael said dully. 

“Maybe not.  Maybe it doesn’t matter whose job it is, as long as it gets done.”

Maria looked between the two of them, tears in her eyes.  “I’m sorry, Alex.” 

Alex accepted it wordlessly, with a curt nod of his head.  “I’m not going to claim that I’m not angry at either of you, because I was.  Still am.  But, I’m also hurt.  Maybe you think I don’t have a right to be either of those things, and that’s okay.  There aren’t a lot of ways you could curse me right now that I haven’t already used against myself.” 

“I’m sorry,” Michael said quietly. 

Alex would remind him that he was still looking away if it wouldn’t hurt him so much to say it.

“I still feel like I don’t deserve you.  But for the first time in my life, I think that maybe you don’t deserve me either.” 

He looked down at Maria’s hand, laced with Michael’s on the table.  It was fitting that Michael’s hand was healed now.  At least he wouldn’t have to live the rest of his life with that constant reminder of Jesse Manes and all he’d destroyed. 

And then, Alex Manes walked away.

**Author's Note:**

> I brought up the scene where Alex calls Liz out for being a shitty friend to show that there's no reason why someone couldn't have called Maria out for something as well. It's not victimizing her or villainizing her to say that she should have done some things differently. The narrative already shows that both Alex and Michael should have done some things differently (and the narrative is much more unkind to all of them than I could ever be).


End file.
